Tracy

Two weeks ago, Morgan and I were grocery shopping when I saw Tracy from across the aisle. I nearly yelled her name as I rushed over to her and threw myself into her arms.

She welcomed it.

So did Nicole when my mom and I saw her at Costco a while back.

I can’t help my love for them. It just is.

I hadn’t seen Tracy since my six-week post-partum follow up in January. We chatted only a little. The store was crowded.
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I met her husband. I told him how good Tracy was to us when our special time had come last autumn.

He told me she loves what she does. I believe it. It shows.

She witnesses miracles.

Only sometimes, like our time, the little miracle needs a little helping along.

It has taken me twelve months to come to terms this. To come to terms with our story and how things unfolded. As I started writing (journaling) more about my feelings and my sorrow at the outcome of my labor, I began to heal.

I began to accept things as they had happened. I began to feel at peace.

I began to see how, even though Morgan’s birth wasn’t how I had dreamed it, he found his way into our arms just the same.

And that was really and truly the one dream that mattered.

Tracy (and Nicole) understood those dreams from the beginning. And through my labor, Tracy encouraged me and believed in me even when I had so nearly given up on myself.

She (and Jared) helped me hold to my desire to labor naturally (which I did, but only barely).

I am so thankful for that.

She helped me understand that through all of the hardness and pain of labor and birth, there is much to feel and learn.

By letting go of all of the things that I wish I could have changed about my labor, I have been able to learn. And between then and now, from that experience, I have learned so much about myself. About my capabilities. About my strength to overcome.

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About finding the strength to do the thing you think you cannot do.

As we said goodbye there in the store that day, I headed the opposite way down the aisle, and I blinked away tears.

Because it has been an entire year.

Because I remember it all like it was yesterday.

Because the time we, three, spent in the hospital laboring for the sake of my baby was the most painful thing I have ever experienced – it took me to the farthest most ledge.

We shared that pain. And in my heart, there is sort of a reverence that accompanies my feelings about that time. It is sacred to me. And I know that I will always have feelings of love and tenderness in my heart for her.

For the sake of where we’ve been together.

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To celebrate the passing (the survival) of one year since his birth, Morgan and I took a trip up to the hospital to see Tracy this week. She welcomed us with hugs and kisses. We took her flowers and I thanked her for many things.

But most of all, for Morgan.

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Tracy Gibson and Nicole Lamb are Certified Nurse Midwives at the Pocatello Women's Health Clinic. They shared with us their unique philosophy about pregnancy, labor and birth. The love and care they share with their patients is unmatched. I love them both dearly. Read more about them here.

Doctor Donald Dyer performed my c-section and we are continuously grateful to him for his expertise and kindness in caring for me and Morgan that day, as well.

We were (are) so very blessed.