Thick of thin things.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Last week was full of horrible days, too. I told Mr. Keller I had no idea why, but I was feeling sad. Like really, really sad. I couldn't trace it to anything specific, except for consuming an ungodly amount of sugar lately, which was bound to catch up to me sometime. Church was precisely what I needed, even though attending (socializing) is the last thing I look forward to each week. I stayed for all three meetings (everyone, a round of applause). One of the speakers read this quote and I've been thinking about it so much every since:   

"We become so caught up in the busyness of our lives. Were we to step back, however, and take a good look at what we’re doing, we may find that we have immersed ourselves in the “thick of thin things.” In other words, too often we spend most of our time taking care of the things which do not really matter much at all in the grand scheme of things, neglecting those more important causes."

- sweet Tommy Monson

Immersed in the thick of thin things: exactly what I've been permitting myself to do for months (years?) now. I haven't felt that heavy 'Godly sorrow' for a very long time, but I did all day yesterday. It was burning from within, and painfully purifying my heart, just as it's intended to. And at the end of the day, I sat in a perfectly quiet house and just listened. Untying thoughts that have been bound up for so long and straightening them all out. Just as I turned my head to look out at the sunset, the sun burst through the clouds and beamed straight onto my face. How many other women in the world felt that precise sunbeam and knew that it was a sign of pure love from a loving Father in Heaven? I don't know how He knows me; how He knows all the billions and billions of beings that have ever lived. I don't know about endings, or afterwards, or more than how to handle today. Or how I am ever going to be the mother these two precious boys deserve to have. I fall short within two moments of stepping out of bed each morning. But I am so thankful for the grace I seem to find when I search for it; when I pause and accept it. It's there for me. 

Today was sweet and I noticed it. It was busy, full of groceries, and errands and potty breaks and snack time. Sweeping and dishes and baths and bed. During the day, it feels as though it all will never end, but I often lay in bed at night in such fear that tomorrow I will wake up and my children will be grown. I know, looking back, it always seems to feel that way. But looking forward, really, I can have a thousand more days like today, if I choose it. If I choose to focus a little more (and scroll a lot less), if I choose to notice, and hug and touch and love a little longer, and not worry so much about getting done what needs getting done.

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And then there's this picture I took of my firstborn and his tooth. Someone pause, please.