Being mother.

I was lying on Mr. Keller's side of the bed this afternoon, looking up at the trees outside our window and it was something about the time of day, the green leaves and the blue-gray sky that took me back to the night danny was born. I had been lying in that exact same place, almost a year ago, looking out the same window when my water broke with Danny. My mom had left the house with Morg a few minutes before, so it was just Jared and I, and the moment my water broke, I fell apart. All the courage I had built up over the last ten months was nearly gone. I was so afraid, knowing waves of pain would momentarily follow, washing away what chance I had left of a successful vaginal birth, after my c-section delivery with Morgan two and a half years before. We both knew how stacked the odds were against us, with my water breaking so early, eliminating the chance of traveling an hour to Idaho Falls to deliver, since there were no doctors on call that night in our town that would allow us to try a natural delivery. And here I was, in this moment of stark realization, recognizing how much it was going to hurt letting my dream go.

I remember so clearly Jared holding my face in his hands, reassuring me, telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I remember leaning on him; I needed him and he was there. He calmed me, encouraged me, lifted me, prayed for me, held my hand, and rode out those excrutiating waves with me until three hours later, we lived a miracle.

I've been thinking all day about what it means to be a mother. It's the hardest, sweetest, most exhausting, most pure experience I believe I'll ever have. And I've found that the very best part of it all is feeling the depth of love that I have for this family I've helped create. It's like this endless sun of love inside my heart and it's warm and familiar and holy. As I've been trying to see these feelings for what they are, I've been thinking about all the things that have made me. The sacrifice of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, the sleepless nights. The smiles I get, the kisses I give, the tears I hush. And then there is my other half, with his guidance and support, knowing so well how to love me. It's sweet to say I am a mother because of him.

So today, in my heart, I've been celebrating my husband. And, of course, two specific young boys that belong to me, as well. And I've been counting my blessings, too. It seems the best ones have names.

Mr. Keller, Danny and Morg.