On the morning of february fourteenth, 2008, I waited in the hallway next to a closed bathroom door. I waited for Jared. In the middle of the night, for a 'sweetheart' surprise, I set a positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter and wrote “Happy Valentine’s Day” on the cardboard box.
Minutes passed. I waited. When he finally came out, he was smiling. Our hearts skipped beats, felt a range of emotions, then we hugged and kissed the entire rest of the day.
:
Our lives were forever changed.
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As the months passed, we believed in our hearts a little girl was growing within me. One Sunday afternoon, we snuggled on the couch in our pajamas and picked out girl names.
A few days before our much anticipated ultrasound, I sat awake in bed and somehow knew our baby was not the girl we were planning for. He was Morgan Scott.
As we giggled over breakfast, we kept gazing at the fuzzy black and white snapshot - the very first picture of our darling little boy.
I could tell from Jared's face that inside, his heart was warm. I was carrying a boy!
Jared’s little boy. And mine.
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As our ‘day’ grew closer, we prepared our hearts and our home for our child. I was gifted many things of blue, and other gifts, too, that were so very, very ‘boy’. Because our dear friends know what a fine sportsman Jared is, I was given many things camouflaged. And upon seeing them, Jared’s excitement could hardly be contained.
However silly it sounds, small things help us to know that all things are meant to be.
And that baby inside of me, he was meant to be, too. Little boy, and all.
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When our 'day' finally came, there was more pain than we could have ever imagined. Hours and hours of pain, filled with tears and worry. Anticipation. Waiting. When Doctor Dyer came into the room to assess our situation, I remember lying there on the bed exhausted, swollen, unable to think - almost having forgotten, really, what we were even there for – to give birth a child.
Our child.
In moments, we would be overcome with emotion as we took in his suggested plan: a delivery by cesarean section.
My emotion was tied to a finality of sorts. Relief. An end. I could see the end. It wasn’t the end my heart desired, but an end nonetheless. I remember distinctly, among the many, many things I cannot remember, the calming feeling within me. It was as if all of the power and strength from all of my prayers, and all of the prayers said on my behalf, encircled me.
Inside my heart, all was calm.
Jared was less sure. Never had I seen him show so much emotion. There, on the hospital bed, he leaned into me, leaned into my entire body, full with child. I remember cupping his face in my hands, and now I was the one telling him all would be well.
When our 'day' finally came, there was more pain than we could have ever imagined. Hours and hours of pain, filled with tears and worry. Anticipation. Waiting. When Doctor Dyer came into the room to assess our situation, I remember lying there on the bed exhausted, swollen, unable to think - almost having forgotten, really, what we were even there for – to give birth a child.
Our child.
In moments, we would be overcome with emotion as we took in his suggested plan: a delivery by cesarean section.
My emotion was tied to a finality of sorts. Relief. An end. I could see the end. It wasn’t the end my heart desired, but an end nonetheless. I remember distinctly, among the many, many things I cannot remember, the calming feeling within me. It was as if all of the power and strength from all of my prayers, and all of the prayers said on my behalf, encircled me.
Inside my heart, all was calm.
Jared was less sure. Never had I seen him show so much emotion. There, on the hospital bed, he leaned into me, leaned into my entire body, full with child. I remember cupping his face in my hands, and now I was the one telling him all would be well.
:
And it was.
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Soon, Doctor Dyer announced that our little darling had dark hair. Moments after, they rested his precious little body across my shoulder, inbetween the two of us.
There was Morgan, glistening, holy. A miracle of miracles - another human being that we had given life to - and he was perfect and healthy. Whole. Ours.
The moment went quickly, and soon, a nurse carefully guided Jared out and down the hall, our darling bundle in his arms.
I watched the doors close as I laid there, the doctor and nurses caring for my body. I laid still, tears rushing down my face. In that moment, I was overcome. But of all the emotions, the deepest was gratitude. All was well. And how grateful I was that in Morgan’s first hours of life, when I couldn’t be there, Jared could be. With our son.
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In the early morning after our first night home, my mother and I were exhausted. Morgan cried and cried more than he had ever cried before. There wasn’t a thing we could do. He would not be calmed.
Jared, asleep in the other room, rushed in to help.
He took him in his arms and in one moment, he was hushed.
Soon, Doctor Dyer announced that our little darling had dark hair. Moments after, they rested his precious little body across my shoulder, inbetween the two of us.
There was Morgan, glistening, holy. A miracle of miracles - another human being that we had given life to - and he was perfect and healthy. Whole. Ours.
The moment went quickly, and soon, a nurse carefully guided Jared out and down the hall, our darling bundle in his arms.
I watched the doors close as I laid there, the doctor and nurses caring for my body. I laid still, tears rushing down my face. In that moment, I was overcome. But of all the emotions, the deepest was gratitude. All was well. And how grateful I was that in Morgan’s first hours of life, when I couldn’t be there, Jared could be. With our son.
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In the early morning after our first night home, my mother and I were exhausted. Morgan cried and cried more than he had ever cried before. There wasn’t a thing we could do. He would not be calmed.
Jared, asleep in the other room, rushed in to help.
He took him in his arms and in one moment, he was hushed.
When our baby was born, a father was, too. Gentle and warm, with a tender heart and hands for comforting. And they did just that.
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Tonight, I sat in the same chair I slept many nights in when Morgan was brand new. Only, tonight, I rocked a growing toddler of a boy. The baby disappears more and more each day, yet I rock him back and forth. And where does time go? Eleven months have passed - nearly an entire year. There are not words to match the feelings that I have within my heart for my child, for our experiences, for the perfect, simple routine we’ve built here within our home. How we have all learned and grown, felt things with a newfound depth we never really knew before.
The things I know within my heart to be true are simple. There is a Father in Heaven that watches over us. He knows us individually. He has a plan for us individually, and for our families. If we let Him, He will guide us in all of our ways, throughout our entire lives, so that one day we’ll be together forever.
He blesses us continuously with more blessings than we could ever count. He binds us together with bonds that are real, bonds that will carry us through this life, and life hereafter.
The bond that I see, that I feel between my husband and son is so very, very sweet to me.
It is all that is pure, and it brings me so much joy. Joy that goes unnmatched. How grateful is my heart tonight.
Tonight, I sat in the same chair I slept many nights in when Morgan was brand new. Only, tonight, I rocked a growing toddler of a boy. The baby disappears more and more each day, yet I rock him back and forth. And where does time go? Eleven months have passed - nearly an entire year. There are not words to match the feelings that I have within my heart for my child, for our experiences, for the perfect, simple routine we’ve built here within our home. How we have all learned and grown, felt things with a newfound depth we never really knew before.
The things I know within my heart to be true are simple. There is a Father in Heaven that watches over us. He knows us individually. He has a plan for us individually, and for our families. If we let Him, He will guide us in all of our ways, throughout our entire lives, so that one day we’ll be together forever.
He blesses us continuously with more blessings than we could ever count. He binds us together with bonds that are real, bonds that will carry us through this life, and life hereafter.
The bond that I see, that I feel between my husband and son is so very, very sweet to me.
It is all that is pure, and it brings me so much joy. Joy that goes unnmatched. How grateful is my heart tonight.
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