a birth day

yesterday, i thought all day about this day. we both did (jared and I). my dear Holly gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who weighed 6 lbs 5 ounces. he was born at 12:31pm. his name is still a secret. he's a miracle. she is too.

all morning, and all the night before, i waited by my phone for text updates from Stacy. i waited on pins and needles for that little boy, for that mommy. i said prayers for her, and for him. i held my breath.

i so want for no one to ever have to go where i've been, where i went those days i labored, hard, for the sake of new life. where i went for the days and weeks after. for the months after. and where i am, still. and when i realize that somehow, for some reason, not all bodies work the way they are supposed to, it hurts all over again. how will i ever understand why? are there things to learn about ourselves? what are those things? will i ever learn them?

i learn, and relearn that doctors are miracles. and oh, how they work miracles. how they save our lives. how they can do for us things that were never in the cards for us to do ourselves.

all for moments like these:

as for Holly and I, we will have matching scars. inside and out.