i return.

Last week I wrote a note to Jared and told him I would be back when I was better. Then I left.

For weeks, my real self had been dwindling. I felt old and unkind. I felt unlike me. The girl was lost, as she sometimes gets. And one day last week, I was determined to find her again.

So, I headed towards the country. Towards home. And eventually found all the things I needed. Found all the feelings that were missing. I ate oatmeal cookies. Took afternoon naps. And felt grateful - for a great many things - and in a deep way that I haven’t felt for a very long time.

And oh, the things I learned (remembered).

One: my home in the country is full of bounty – its enlivening - a feast, of many sorts, for my eyes (and all other senses) to behold. The skyline is brighter. The stars more pure. It was there that I grew into myself - at home, in the country – a long time ago. So, when my heart goes missing, there it can always be found. In the fields, empty, or full of harvest.

Two (and more): I am older (body, mind, and within). I am grown:::My heart is in many places now, and it always will be:::My hands are for working, and loving and nurturing:::Old friends are (and always will be) friends, for we have the past that we have shared::: I am a mother, (thanks be to heaven):::My own mother is heavenly:::Dads are for comfort, back massages and ice cream:::

And foremost: I have discovered (once again) that the passion within me makes my heart long to be near my husband. I am his. And he, most certainly, is mine. We have taken portions of ourselves, combined them, and created. We have created love. A child. Our own home.

And within that home, I belong.